Baby on the way
|*My sweet nephew a few weeks old|
Don't get too excited, no we are not pregnant. Not yet anyway! I decided I would start documenting our story on my blog. This way I can keep my family and close friends up to date with our journey. Besides, it's always a good thing to be able to look back and remember every detail of our baby's story. Beware, this might get sappy and/or emotional!
I'm sure I began our baby story on a previous post, but I'm gonna tell you again. It's all a part of the journey. When we decided to try for a baby I thought it was going to be easy. I mean, it seemed like it for everyone else. I was so foolish to think it would be that way for us. I realize now, everyone is different and for reasons unknown. Nonetheless, we are who we are and our situations are as difficult as we allow them to be. So, it's important to always be positive and try to remember all your blessings. After a year of no baby, I was reassured by doctors and friends that it was normal for these things to take time. So, we kept our chins up and pressed on. As more months went by with no change, I started researching ways to get my body prepared for having a baby. Like cutting out caffeine, taking folic acid and fun stuff like that. Let's just say, the caffein thing didn't last long. Still, things didn't seem to change. I remember hearing friends and family announce their pregnancies, watch their bellies grow, feel their tummies and their little miracles inside as they moved and kicked. It was a joy, but painful at times too. It made it that much more difficult to stay positive and hopeful. I still have to take deep breaths and fight tears when I hold someones newborn or see more friends become mothers and fathers, but I know that I have a greater strength deep within to sustain me. It gets stronger by the minute, hour and day. It might sound cliche, but God truly knows best. His ways are truly not our ways, His thoughts higher than our thoughts. I have to remind myself of this. Daily.
It wasn't too long ago that I finally decided to go to the doctors to get things checked out. Make sure things were ok with me and my husband. We have had some tests done, most coming back normal. But more tests are needed and it gets frustrating and tiring. I often find myself becoming angry. If only people knew how blessed they were. I mean, more than just the normal blessed. I mean REALLY blessed. It's not as easy as some may think it to be. When you don't have to lift a finger and BAM you're pregnant. Just like that. Maybe if they were us for just one day. Month. Year. Maybe then they would truly know. I realize this isn't fair to say. And not everybody has scenarios like that. It's just a thought I have when it feels like I'm about to rip at the seams and it passes. It always does. So, we stay hopeful and keep moving forward.
I will never forget the day I found myself drawn to this idea. I wasn't sure if I really wanted to pursue this or why I was even acting on it. I just remember feeling like this was what I was suppose to do. This is why I am at this place in my life right now. Effortlessly, I found myself emailing a wonderful lady from our church who works with adoption placement in our area. I remember asking questions and getting answers right away. I remember getting a warm invitation to come with her to some finalized adoptions and being so moved that day, something inside of me changed. Perhaps it's what you feel when you first see that positive sign, the heartbeat of your little one, a kick inside or when you finally hold your baby for the first time. An overwhelming warmth that hits you from your head down to your toes. Tears just fill up and pour down your cheeks without warning. You don't know how you can feel this much compassion and love for such a stranger, but you know they are yours. For me, I don't yet know them by name nor the dimples on their face. I don't know their tiny movements, snorts, cry or laugh. I haven't seen the shape of their eyes, the color of their skin or whether they are a boy or a girl. I just know they are ours. Ours for life. To love, to nurture, to bless, to spoil, to share in struggles and blessings. It's true, we have started the most amazing journey as husband and wife. Not only to become parents, but to experience the blessings of adoption. Tonight we went to our first meeting, the early steps in the process. I already feel like an emotional wreck. We have SO much support from family, friends and others in this whole process. We are already blessed and changed. I am going to be destroyed (in a good way) when I finally set eyes on my baby. When I finally hold their tiny bodies against my chest. I can't wait to whisper to them how much I love them and how long I have been praying for them. What a joy they are to their mommy and daddy.
God is good. He takes away, but He gives you something so much better in return.